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Literature Text
I've never seen this before: a stillness, a river
frozen into a blanched scar. He lies there
like a tool no longer used, and I am only a boy
figuring out how to use it. It wasn't the toxin
that did it: odorless, tasteless, the garage
shutting him in as the station wagon exhaled.
A son that had every video game, Malone and
Stockton posters and signed memorabilia; still
he swore at the guests' kids and locked himself
in his room. A daughter starting to notice boys,
dressing too pretty, and eating out every night,
her seat at the dinner table a prominent bleach stain.
A wife that spoke in tongue, working the Real
Estate market; parties every month, the Filipinos
gibbering in a language he never got the hang of,
his American friends all overseas, cross-country, or
dead. No, it wasn't the toxin that did it as he lied
back, his favorite Soul Asylum song a distancing
train. His wife is speaking to my mother and father
and I am dressed up because it is proper, even
though his eyes are shut, his lips purple and thin.
I say the only thing that came to me, the only thing
he wanted to hear as he choked on their silence
--not the monoxide his wife convinces my parents
was the cause of death.
frozen into a blanched scar. He lies there
like a tool no longer used, and I am only a boy
figuring out how to use it. It wasn't the toxin
that did it: odorless, tasteless, the garage
shutting him in as the station wagon exhaled.
A son that had every video game, Malone and
Stockton posters and signed memorabilia; still
he swore at the guests' kids and locked himself
in his room. A daughter starting to notice boys,
dressing too pretty, and eating out every night,
her seat at the dinner table a prominent bleach stain.
A wife that spoke in tongue, working the Real
Estate market; parties every month, the Filipinos
gibbering in a language he never got the hang of,
his American friends all overseas, cross-country, or
dead. No, it wasn't the toxin that did it as he lied
back, his favorite Soul Asylum song a distancing
train. His wife is speaking to my mother and father
and I am dressed up because it is proper, even
though his eyes are shut, his lips purple and thin.
I say the only thing that came to me, the only thing
he wanted to hear as he choked on their silence
--not the monoxide his wife convinces my parents
was the cause of death.
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Comments16
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactFirst off, I really and truly like this. I hesitated even to do this critique, because I don't see a whole lot that I have notes on. The overall impact and message is really good and well-expressed; there are just a few bits that I would recommend revisions on (or at least that you give it another thought).
frozen into a blanched scar. He lies there / like a tool no longer used, and I am only a boy / figuring out how to use it. It wasn't the toxin - This confuses me. The "it" would seem to refer to "tool", but the tool is the man, yes? My interpretation is that I am only a boy / figuring out how to use it refers to life, and that maybe you meant to earlier make life the tool. If that is what you mean, you should make it a little more clear; likewise if you mean something else, that should be made a little more clear. Also, poetry should ideally sound good when spoken, so you might want to see if you can something about the "it" twice in a row - it is not noticeable in writing because of they are separate sentences, but when spoken it sounds a bit clumsy.
dead. No, it wasn't the toxin that did it as he lied / back, his favorite Soul Asylum song a distancing / train. His wife is speaking to my mother and father" - First of all, I think that "lied" should be "laid" here. Also, it is strange for "distancing" to end a stanza, with the thought finished in next, because all of your other stanzas have ended with a period. It's not a big deal but I always think that it's nice when poems either remain consistent with these things or disregard any consistency at all.
he wanted to hear as he choked on their silence / --not the monoxide his wife convinces my parents - Again a small thing... I would put the -- on the line after "silence", rather than down before "not". I think that that would make the impact a little stronger and keep a reader from "missing" it.