literature

June Showers: Bref Double

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fllnthblnk's avatar
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Literature Text

EDITED VERSION:

Honestly? Let the damn rain spatter you
like a lover or Farmington's Lagoon
rides: Rattle Snake Rapids, the famed Log Flume.
Utah is a desert, an arid bowl

of ribcage, half a sun-blanched skull, our palms.
Fox News predicts another tsunami,
or something similar: a burst fish tank
of sky or a wrung, ebon beach towel.

My co-workers gather, fearing the flu,
pneumonia, death-of-cold. I tell them to
relish this breath like ceasefire. Waterloo
is our state's new name--the bellicose flame

of Summer soused, outflanked. The lucky few
dance outside, alive: April rain in June.


OLD VERSION:

Honestly? Let it spatter you
like a lover or a Lagoon
ride: Rattle Snake Rapids, Log Flume.
Utah's a desert--arid bowl

of ribcage, sun-bleached bones, skull-mine.
Fox 13 News predicts a tsu-
nami, or something close to it.
Burst fish tank of sky, wrung towel.

Co-workers gather, fearing flu,
pneumonia, death-of-cold. I say
relish this breath. Waterloo
is our state's new name: sketchy flame

of Summer, drenched. The lucky few
dance outside: April rain in June.
Edit (6/23/09): Added two more syllables per line (10 syllables each). Changed a few things. I think "tsunami" being on one line will do fine--I think it's neat having the rhyme be at the beginning of the word instead of the end. Opinions please!

Eep! A quick poem, so don't kill me. This is a Bref Double, written for =versebyverse's form of the month prompt. The rhyme scheme is this:

a/x/b/c
x/a/x/c
a/x/a/b
a/b

I cheated with the second "b" and utilized consonance. Take it up the ass-face, hard rhyme! The third "b" is also assonance instead. Ah, well!

Utah has been hit pretty hard with rain over the past two weeks. People at my work have been complaining. I say, enjoy it! We don't get good rain like this very often.
© 2009 - 2024 fllnthblnk
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denlm's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

I'm not sure I will ever be a fan of this format. I like my poetry to carry me along in a pleasing rythmn or to spank me hard with an unexpected beat. This doesn't do either one.

It's not a fault of the poet, though. There were still plenty of thought-provoking lines for my taste:

- "...spatter you like a lover..." What a sneaky wonderful description!

- "Burst fish tank of sky, wrung towel." Oh, how true. The heavy rains here have felt exactly like that. I'm still wringing out.

- "...sketchy flame of Summer, drenched." Only to rekindle again and become a humid July.