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June Showers: Bref Double by ^fllnthblnk:iconfllnthblnk:



EDITED VERSION:

Honestly? Let the damn rain spatter you
like a lover or Farmington's Lagoon
rides: Rattle Snake Rapids, the famed Log Flume.
Utah is a desert, an arid bowl

of ribcage, half a sun-blanched skull, our palms.
Fox News predicts another tsunami,
or something similar: a burst fish tank
of sky or a wrung, ebon beach towel.

My co-workers gather, fearing the flu,
pneumonia, death-of-cold. I tell them to
relish this breath like ceasefire. Waterloo
is our state's new name--the bellicose flame

of Summer soused, outflanked. The lucky few
dance outside, alive: April rain in June.


OLD VERSION:

Honestly? Let it spatter you
like a lover or a Lagoon
ride: Rattle Snake Rapids, Log Flume.
Utah's a desert--arid bowl

of ribcage, sun-bleached bones, skull-mine.
Fox 13 News predicts a tsu-
nami, or something close to it.
Burst fish tank of sky, wrung towel.

Co-workers gather, fearing flu,
pneumonia, death-of-cold. I say
relish this breath. Waterloo
is our state's new name: sketchy flame

of Summer, drenched. The lucky few
dance outside: April rain in June.
©2009 ^fllnthblnk
:iconfllnthblnk:

Author's Comments

Edit (6/23/09): Added two more syllables per line (10 syllables each). Changed a few things. I think "tsunami" being on one line will do fine--I think it's neat having the rhyme be at the beginning of the word instead of the end. Opinions please!

Eep! A quick poem, so don't kill me. This is a Bref Double, written for =versebyverse's form of the month prompt. The rhyme scheme is this:

a/x/b/c
x/a/x/c
a/x/a/b
a/b

I cheated with the second "b" and utilized consonance. Take it up the ass-face, hard rhyme! The third "b" is also assonance instead. Ah, well!

Utah has been hit pretty hard with rain over the past two weeks. People at my work have been complaining. I say, enjoy it! We don't get good rain like this very often.

Critiques


:icondenlm:
I'm not sure I will ever be a fan of this format. I like my poetry to carry me along in a pleasing rythmn or to spank me hard with an unexpected beat. This doesn't do either one.

It's not a fault of the poet, though. There were still plenty of thought-provoking lines for my taste:

- "...spatter you like a lover..." What a sneaky wonderful description!

- "Burst fish tank of sky, wrung towel." Oh, how true. The heavy rains here have felt exactly like that. I'm still wringing out.

- "...sketchy flame of Summer, drenched." Only to rekindle again and become a humid July.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconalecbell:
Very stacatto and edgy. A curious form?

--
There's always a better poem just out of reach.

Words create situations [link]

The roots of the future run deep [link]
:iconfllnthblnk:
You know what they say about cats and curiosity.

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.
:iconfllnthblnk:
In all serious, though, is the poem's staccato and edginess a good thing? Too staccato, perhaps?

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.
:iconpardonm3:
I think the staccato of the form gives it a bit of a rush, which fits with the whole 'let's revel in the rain' thing. Could do with some smoothing out, but for a quickie, there are some lovely bits:

Let it spatter you
like a lover

Utah's a desert--arid bowl

of ribcage


& 'wrung towel' is a pretty cool one, too. :thumbsup:
:iconyouinventedme:
excellent use of the form, though I'm not big on the form itself. the first two stanzas are particularly striking.

--
an antique arms and armor expert
:iconfllnthblnk:
Hrmm... which parts do you think need the most smoothing out?

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.
:iconpardonm3:
I'd say the 3rd stanza - the part about the co-workers doesn't catch me, but I get the idea. And 'sketchy flame' sounds strange.

Stanza 1:
- not sure if 'Honestly?' is necessary

Stanza 2:
- 'skull-mine' might be too much - it also sticks out
- I'd prefer 'sun-bleached bone' to 'sun-bleached bones'
- 'to it' can be cut

Utah's a desert--arid bowl

of ribcage and sun-bleached bone.
Fox 13 News predicts a tsu-
nami, or something close.


Hope that helps a bit. :peace:
:iconkatsuu:
I couldn't agree more! Let it come! Rattlesnake Rapids' lines were always too long, anyway.

--
[link] [link]
:iconbekkia:
Like you said, I think it might be too staccato. That word has been thrown around a lot lately, but that's beside the point. You start with talking about a log flume, which doesn't scream staccato to me. If you were to match the rhythm to the content, it would be smoother.

And "Honestly?" I have no idea what that adds to the poem at the start. What it does is to kick off the bumpy rhythm you're worrying about with its sort of snide tone.

However, I think the content is interesting and original.

I tried the bref double just now, too. I'm not sure I'm a super fan of the form or what I did with it. I think the way you handled the rhyme scheme is great, especially in comparison with mine. :lol:
:iconpickled-poppy:
Despite my general sort of floatie lack of interest in form, I like this.
It's an interesting form.

-hops on the band wagon- it may be a little to staccato (I've no read that word some many times it's lost all meaning to me..)

I love the rhyme scheme.
I also like the honestly at the beginning, it made it read kinda snide I guess.

--
I like Giants,
Especially Girl giants.
'Cus all girls fell to big sometimes, regardless of there size.

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June 22
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