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31 - Haiku by ^fllnthblnk:iconfllnthblnk:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Nature > Haiku & Eastern


1

the mower
fills with grass
good rain yesterday

2

August sun
a mini-van parks
beside a giant maple

3

the air conditioner
shuts off
kicks back on

4

the fan hums
left
right

5

waiting, waiting
the sky bursts--
a firework

6

seagulls fight
in the empty parking lot--
Wendy's bag

7

morning walk
the seagulls
keep their distance

8

salt flat
footprints accompany
a stream

9

against
a midnight sky
a scared dove

10

no cars tonight
a traffic light
turns red

11

Summer!
a stack of books
unread

12

eastern clouds
the blanket slides off
her body

13

Utah desert
dust sand dust sand
an ugly wind

14

no birds today
we put away our binoculars
no birds today

15

after a daylong rain
the street bursts with
too many moons

16

city afternoon--
a dog stares down
a lost fox

17

morning traffic
at the end of the chain
a dog yawns

18

the sun rises
mountain people lake
the sun sets

19

lazy dog day
the clock ticks...
ticks again

20

summer vacation
upon our return:
yellow grass

21

mountain rain
red blue red blue
a car accident

22

out of milk again
my car eaten away
by rain

23

on barbed wire
a magpie
joining another

24

hide & seek
behind the giant oak
moss growing

25

high noon
hopping along the pavement
at the water park

26

acres of green grass
my dog sniffs one spot
cat urine, probably

27

hunger pangs
the crickets go silent
as I walk

28

driftwood
in the stars--
this lake at night

29

still asleep
the sun slips in
rudely

30

sun & moon
my dog curls to sleep
in his bed

31

at the drive-in
behind the giant screen
a shooting star
©2009-2010 ^fllnthblnk
:iconfllnthblnk:

Author's Comments

I recently got an anthology of Haiku I found at the secondhand bookstore at the Newgate Mall.

Since I missed the July Haikuthon, I decided to write 31 Haiku, inspired by what I read. I hope you like!

Critiques


:icondenlm:
*denlm Aug 16, 2009, 6:56:48 AM
Took me forever to get to this deviation, but I'm glad I did. The whole, taken together, captures the feel of a hot summer day from its peaks of heat to its wallows of humidity. I loved the imagery, the sounds, the sounds and the tactile feelings. So many poets forget that traditional Haiku should be nature-based. This series does not and it was a refreshing change. My favorite: after a daylong rain the street bursts with too many moons... I've splashed through moon puddles often after a summer downpour, so I could happily relate. I was mildly dissappointed you didn't try to capture the fluctuating sound of that back-and-forth fan -- but I'm being nitpicky there.
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:iconpardonm3:
~pardonM3 Aug 4, 2009, 7:46:44 PM
You've got some gems here. =)

6 - I'd add an article before 'Wendy's bag'.

seagulls fight
in the empty parking lot--
a Wendy's bag

7 - Damned seagulls! The ones over here liked to bully people.

10, 11, 12 - Nicely done.

14 - Diggin' the repetition & structure. Perhaps my favorite of this set.

15 - =)

17 - Good one!

18 - Sweet juxtaposition. I'd suggest commas for the second line, because reading them without is a bit jarring.

the sun rises
mountain, people, lake
the sun sets

19 - I'd suggest using 'and ticks' in lieu of 'ticks again' - the repetition and first line 'lazy dog day' is enough for the reader to get the 'again' feeling.

lazy dog day
the clock ticks
and ticks


21 - Wonderfully captured.

23 - I suggest 'joins' instead of 'joining', as it sounds smoother. I dig the choice of barbed wire - makes the magpie sound mischievous.

on barbed wire
a magpie
joins another


24, 25 - Lovely!

26 - Awesome. :p

27 - Clever. I suggest a line switcheroo to more clearly illustrate the juxtaposition here:

hunger pangs
as I walk
the crickets go silent

as I walk
hunger pangs--
the crickets go silent


28 - Pretty. :star:

29 - =)

30 - I rather like this image, but I'm not entirely sure what you mean by 'sun & moon'.

31 - I suggest a bit of shifting for better flow & because the prepositional phrase followed by another makes one of them look extraneous.

behind the giant screen
a shooting star
at the drive-in


:boogie:
:iconrockerbybaby:
~RockerByBaby Aug 4, 2009, 8:29:03 PM
Number 10 stood out to me. Very well done, fun read, I'm glad you decided to do this!:)

--
Across the face of the Earth, her ruby cheeks shone; Winds of whisper buried seeds of rumor, made her secret well grown.
:iconfllnthblnk:
^fllnthblnk Aug 4, 2009, 8:36:21 PM
Thankees!

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.
:iconashellessmind:
~ashellessmind Aug 4, 2009, 11:32:27 PM
9 is great. Really captured the moment. Each repeated a is like a stamp down on that single blurred second, like it is frozen there and then all the sudden gone.

Enjoyed 6 as well. Haikus about nature in the modern world are almost paradoxical, and this one captures it.

16 is wonderful, for the same reason as 6. Did you know that Russian Scientists were doing an experiment to try to force-domesticate foxes through natural selection? They were making good progress when they lost funding and had to quit. I want a pet fox. I do think this will be possible 50 years from now. Maybe sooner.

17 -- for a great play on the word "chain"

21 -- for reinterpreting its second line in light of its third. Not often a poem makes you do a double take.

Those were my favorites. Not really a big fan of Haiku, but between yours, the DD today, a few others I've seen around during the Haikuthon, maybe I'm being converted. Just a little.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.
:iconalecbell:
=AlecBell Aug 4, 2009, 11:41:28 PM
I liked 10 and 14 particularly.

Those two seemed really to stretch my mind.

--
There's always a better poem just out of reach.

Words create situations [link]

The roots of the future run deep [link]
:iconb1gfan:
*b1gfan Aug 5, 2009, 12:15:30 AM
this is very intersting work William - there are a few wonderful images that rise up here. 23 and 27 do a lot for me because of the open space they leave for the reader.
:iconfllnthblnk:
^fllnthblnk Aug 5, 2009, 6:44:47 AM
Hehe. Thanks for the nice comments.

To be honest, I really really disliked Haiku when I first started here (and before!). But that was mostly because of what I was taught in high school. After reading up on Haiku--learning that it isn't just a set of three lines in 5-7-5 form--and seeing some excellent ones pop up here and there, I've been converted, myself.

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.
:iconfllnthblnk:
^fllnthblnk Aug 5, 2009, 7:00:19 AM
Thanks, Dave!

--
Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.
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